So, for a time I came here to offer what I could of what I learned, from friends, from those sharing our struggle, from my own experiences and the experiences of others. /Sig/ has always been the missing component from our people in this age of misery. Now however, I come as a supplicant. I mentioned the loss of a loved one previously, this loss has been exacerbated by a greater situation, one that has stripped me of my purpose.

One of the driving forces in my life has always been my son. Everything I did, every word, every ideal, was inspired by my drive to give him the future he deserves, that all our children deserve, that our people have earned through countless trials and tribulations. I lost him. Not to death nor has his mother taking him but rather a malady that has afflicted him since a young age has fully claimed his mind. I knew it was coming, for the last few years I could see the changes but now he is lost to me truly. I have grieved, little by little, tried to force myself to continue my pursuit of a future for him even knowing it was a dream that grew more distant by the day. Even as it claimed him I kept going, affecting all I wrote, you may of even noticed, a theme in my later posts of combating depression, despair. In hindsight it would not be unfair to say a great many of my posts were not just for inspiring all who follow us but the words a father would give to a son whom he loves and fought for, reflecting on events and situations as they arose. A light to follow for those who need it and for myself. Now that fire that drove me is extinguished and I am left adrift. Every word written, every thought, every ideal I tried to put to paper since his mind fully collapsed has felt empty for they are. I am empty. I look at what I write and feel nothing, I refuse to feel anything. Emotion overwhelms and I cannot move past it. I want to weep. I sit here on a beautiful grassy hill under a vast blue sky and all I feel is hollow. This emptiness even led me to push away my love, his mother and our relationship lays in limbo, a mix of her inability to handle the situation with our son and a number of foolish actions in my depression led to a schism thus she left, my son remaining with me in his mentally broken state. I love her, truly I do yet I do not know if that love remains in her heart for me.

I need purpose in my life again, this I know. Yet I cannot find it. I have no career to speak of, dedicating myself to his care these last few years. I have no family nor friends for I left those in the city of my birth. I am reduced, a man in his mid thirties, carer for an son broken by a fluke of biology whose mind is nought but anger, devolved in many ways from who he used to be. I want to fight. I want to keep going, I know I need to. Yet all I can do is struggle not to collapse. I have spent my life giving, giving all of myself I could yet all I feel is failure. Failure that I could not save my son from what ails him. Failure at my inability to help my people. Failure for my weakness. I am spent and I do not even know who I am, I haven't for a while. I do not know why I even write this, a lament, words to the void? A final clawing grasp to hold onto something? I do not know.

Please. Can anyone help me.