>>62080
most of the time I'm still in that people pleaser mode, and it used to be more of an innocent thing but at this point it's partly because I know if I say no the "real" me is going to come out and there's a possibility that the situation could escalate. So I just do it if I can or deflect if I can't. It's not that I don't want to do good, it's that people only ever seem to demand more of it in response. Respect is reserved for the corrupt politicians and judges and the dealers that have the best looking trucks and the scariest lawyers. Fuck that noise, I'll continue to pull out of society as much as I can. You definitely shouldn't aspire to be like me though, I think my conversations with doc make it clear that I'm in an awful place and I have a lot to learn. I don't really blame myself for that though, I think it's mostly just how things turned out. Only God can judge me and all that. If he happens to exist he will know that I tried so hard and I continue to try, and that's not self pity speaking