>>4785
>>4783
then afterwards.. it kinda just ebbed and flows most of the fighting game/"friend" groups i met during those years kind of got shitty or revealed themselves to be shitty. Some outright said they didnt respect me or consider me part of the group to begin aka "the extra guy whose just there for the ride" which was true to some extent since i didn't talk much or contributed meaningfully for a bit. a few people due to some... events had told me at the time that genuinely didn't respect me or consider me "worth shit" as they say. i found some of this out when i admittedly lashed out in self defense to someone being overly passive agressive and hostile toward me. plus it was compounded with me being veeeeerrry bad at fighting games too since they'd always give me shit for being the weakest out of everyone and having a lot of difficulties learning stuff (learning how to condition opponents, play mind games, etc. is fucking difficult for me) and it was also huge thing with people backseating me, telling me to play but doing it in the most hostile or passive agressive manner
>"oh my yumi is so ass, why can't you block"
>omg they're a free retard, why cant they do x, y, z
at a certain a point i told them to chill with it and they basically said i don't have the right to tell them to fuck off with the backseating because im too weak and never win so it'll look bad on me or something to that effect so i stopped bothering. then the last long time "group" kind of dropped me (albeit i was being a clown there) i basically commented on how activity is dead and we need to do something but the guys got mad when i remarked about it and left. One of them came up and got angry about us not being able to "read the room" even though they were the ones dodging on wanting to do things. He got heated with me in private messages and basically called me a burden to society and ended things there. I think.. that was the one time i actually felt depressed even if they weren't actually friends because that's when it made my depressive spiral and health worse with the whole
>"i don't deserve to have friends or anyone, i deserve to be alone"
but with all this rambling im trying to say is that: i guess this is all where the habit stemmed from. there was school issues with the other kids and stuff but i wont go into that here. i mentioned in passing before another aspect was that i don't fit or feel comfortable around normies (not do i want but i understand i need to deal with and communicate with them at times) but at the same i don't feel like i connect with the outcasts/degens/whatever despite being on places like the chans and technically considered an outcast too. Since on the outcast side i get met with
>"You're not as fucked as we are, you're a normie, you're not a true outcast LIKE WE ARE because you dont hate women or are about things we're about"
I know its incredibly silly to even worry or care about such things but still