>>8476
>(my friend said it was a form of channeling iirc)
Yes that too but in your case it is a... hard to explain. The human body is made up by different spirits. Most people have an absolutely passive and subconscious "anima" within that is supposed to "Merge" with a female you perfectly bonded with. With that you will have a proper connection a proper love that will last for a lifetime. This is how marriage should work by default.
For magicians there is a great method where you "switch" the baseline "botsouls" of the body that you got via genetics and other default imprints with your "higher soul current" or "spiritual gifts" that you gained during your past life journeys and you can "evolve" several steps by merely "marrying yourself" and integrating old parts of yourself instead of "starting from scratch" like most people. When that happens it's scary because your soul will need to accept the "new truth" as the "real truth". The perfect merger needs to happen and it takes nuance because your body also has ways to eject any "foreign" spirit from your body so if you have any fear or doubt you can eject not just yourself but a still not merged part of yourself too. This "soul ejection" is a feature btw that you can use to astral project like a true master but if you are unaware of the mechanics it leads to problems. The real mastery is not about having the ability to "eject your soul" but to "suck it in" which is like coming back to life level shock after being resurrected so it needs to be done properly to not leave lasting scars. Coming back from the dead is traumatizing for normal people. Awakening requires that you overcome it.

I too am having similar problems. My "ancestral spirits" mentalities I got from my parents are malformed thx to the constant disagreements and emotional immaturity of my parents. Because of that I am figuring out the proper way they can "blend" into each other and with that a healthy formation will manifest that I can bring with myself because then it's "ancestral mastery" and not a "genetic burden" anymore.

What I wanted to say with this. There are many parts within you that consider the male person who looks back from the mirror the "actual (You)" on many levels and still not beyond the "idea that it's her(You)". I said it's an "Idea" and not the reality of things yet where you accepted things as normal or the way of things already. It is not just a mental block but a cognitive dissonance in your psyche. Meditate upon the idea what is (You). Connect with her consciously and feel how she is not just "always there nowadays" but WAS ALWAYS THERE SINCE YOUR BIRTH but you forgot that for reasons stemming from your life circumstances. Not easy to remember our truth when things are either too crazy or too pleasant around us. We all have our traumas that we need to inspect further to realize the true depth of things and how there is more than we remember at first glance. Let her guide you into the deeper parts of your own psyche.